Perspective...

Cheyney's post made me think. There is a dynamic definition of confrontation. So many people think they are self-advocates for calling someone and facelessly squaring off. I thought I was tough for calling Dish Network multiple times. In reality, I was playing their game. I only made a difference after bringing out the consumer advocate big guns. Now, taking a personal risk, trying something alien, getting blessed out by the owner of a kickboxing gym and calling him out for his lack of decorum; that is brave. The historical institution of visceral experience is dwindling. The next time you are out, pick a random face, and ridicule them for their lack of lock-step... give a soliloquy on personal appearance, no matter how minor the infraction... insult a person for wearing stripes with plaid... The point is, pick a fight! Feel the flow of adrenaline as Cheyney undoubtedly did. Resolve those feelings of inadequacy when it comes to interpersonal pugilism. And GO GATORS!!!!!!!!!!!

A treatise on wipe economy...

Any new parent finds certain skills can be deficient, no matter how much you love and adore. How does one automatically know to clean under the neck (so thats where that smell originates), put gloves on them so they cannot scratch their faces, and hold a child just so to lull them to sleep. All of these things are learned. It is wonderous to observe the evolution of self. Personally, I remember keeping tally (unofficially) of the personal record for wipes used during a fanny cleaning. I thought that 11 wipes meant my child was capable of releasing a flood of Biblical proportions, and I was able to staunch it. After three babes and a plethora of diaper changes, I had an epiphany; it isn't how many wipes you use, its how few. I can now cleanse a fanny that would give a crime scene cleaner pause with only three wipes, tops. I call it wipe economy. I have silly names for other skills I have developed as a Daddy. I won't share them, or maybe I will in the future, like the cleaning firearms with a stopwatch, hanging upside down from a pullup bar while Bobby 17 year old waits to take one of my girls out skill. For now, I am proud that I can keep my kids smelling fresh, prevent them from hurting themselves (mostly), and bounce them in my arms until they slumber. Being a Daddy is the greatest ever... siiiiiggghhh...

Bay is 2!!!!

Our littlest pickle is 2!!! Her birthday was yesterday, Nov. 18. She is the tiniest, cutest, smartest, orneriest, gigglenist, most ticklish two year-old currently in existence. I could squeeze the bejeezus out of her, invent a time machine, and then go back and do it again. She is a little goober who can already talk, light years ahead of when her sisters started. She also has a fierce individuality and speaks her mind. It is funny how they can be so different from each other in good ways. Another amazing thing is that my best friend Matty and his awesome wife Carrie had their first boy child, Luke Asher Ring (tentatively) yesterday!! He and our girl Bay have the same birthday!! This is special because Matt is my oldest friend and he is important to me. The 18th was a proud day for our family and friends. One day, I will find the USB cord for our camera and post photos of the b-day (complete with yummy Isaac's cupcakes with icing pumpkins on them, hometown inside information, WHAT WHAT!!) and the wonderful new turtle and figure drawings the older girls are doing. Oh well, one day I will be more informative and generally valuable. Until then, I will be defined by my allegiances: GO GATORS!!!!!!!!!!!

New House... maybe

So Jenny and I have put an offer on a new house. By new, I mean built in 1955 but we haven't lived in it. It is a cute brick two-story with plenty of space and arguably the worst faux white brick vinyl tile ever produced. It needs some updating, unless you like the whole seventies light fixtures, wallpaper layers in triplicate, and deck made from ten thousand year old petrified wood. But thats cool, we're up to it. You have to spend money to make money. A rolling stone gathers no moss. It was a brave man who first endeavored to eat an oyster... I'm not sure how that last one applies but I'm willing to put myself out there. Anyway, tomorrow we have an inspector coming to look at it and we are just hoping that there are no major problems. You know, lead plumbing, asbestos clouds, squatters, creepy dungeons, indian burial grounds, the typical stuff. These are all things to be avoided. But we look forward to putting our stamp on the place. A little paint, new flooring, and a new kitchen should do the trick. I will try to update with pictures and all.

I wont say anything....

Besides, one picture is worth a thousand words... If I had Photoshop skills, I would have cut and pasted some cutoff jean shorts onto Brandon Spikes while he is motivating Matt Stafford to reconsider his personal clothing style (it must be hard to get self-feces out of silver britches; come on, you can sort of imagine a little potty right underneath him in this picture)... I promise to be classy the other 364 days of the year and of course will be a shameless Dawg fan for the rest of the season, but now I must bask ever so little in the glory of my spot-on pregame analysis... Jeah!

Language Lessons...

Jenny and I work at the college in town. Recently, a performing arts center was completed and dedicated. To honor the grand opening, the school flew in famous Russian folk musicians. They play the balalaika, sort of a cross between a guitar, banjo, and mandolin... a manguijo; a guibandolin; a tarjolinguibanmando... I digress. Anyway, we took them around our burgeoning Metropolis to aquaint them with life in the rural Southeast. The day started off with approximately a dozen understood English and Russian words between the lot of us. We went to an electronics store, Wal-Mart, The Dollar Store, Fred's, and Goodwill (hey, famous Russian folk musicians need 3 dollar shoes too!!). By the end of the day we had somewhat broken the barrier by talking about our kids and showing pictures, etc. They were exceptionally interesting and fun to be around. Maxime is the mature, leading man type; Vladimir the younger showman; and Volodya, the older eccentric. They also had a documentarian and his cameraman, both quiet but pleasant. It struck me how they seemed so unimpressed with our excessive lives and shrines to commercialism. They were interested in the little things. Things like squirrels, alligators, $3 shoes, Chinese Buffets, and gettin crunk!! At one of their performances some students got really into it and were dancing all over the new prim and proper arts center!! The Russian fellows loved it apparently. It is the only performance I missed! Anyway, I loved it and look forward to seeing our russian friends tonight at a dinner in their honor.

UGA/UF...

Okay, let me gather... This will be THE game of the season. Forget OSU/USC, let go of Texas/Oklahoma, disremember OSU/PSU. These games pail in comparison. Never before has this game meant so much to each team. This roiling boiling rivalry seethes underneath thinly lidded stoicism like so much boiled steak. The winner of this game will win the East, the SEC title game, and mark my words, the BCS title... But only if it's UF!!!! My partisanship canot be hidden any longer. The Gators don't need silly 100 man enzone celebrations to motivate them for this one. And, logically, the Gators should win. UGA is hobbled on both lines, foretelling Gator trench dominance. Florida has speed and ferocity in all 3 phases of the game. If Moreno is contained, then UF should be able to stop UGA on the wings of better secondary play. I for one would not like to hit a running lane and then be physically crushed by Brandon Spikes, Florida's 6-3 243 lb. monster linebacker.If UGA wins, they are simply better, I will be the first to say it. But to the nauseous sighs of everyone that is not a UF fan, Timmy Tebow plays UP in big games. So remember, Florida will be the only one of the two teams that can beat a Texas or Oklahoma, in addition to Alabama in my opinion. But, as you watch this game, think of me, my frazzled body and addled mind after my first week at work, defending my thesis, and anticipating this game. Holy goodness someone throw a bucket of water on me ala Flashdance. My office has a good lean back chair and high ceilings for bucket suspension ya'll...

Event updates

So, two things; I got a job at the College in town as coordinator of testing and career services. I am excited to contribute to the community and higher ed. Also, the parade was canceled for Ms. Lucretia's Dance troupe. So no miniature tire marks on my torso. We were disappointed but would rather forgo the parade for not having to dry our soaked to the bone trembling children afterward. Call us particular. This picture looks nothing like our girls but a naked mole rat ,though neither naked nor trembling, is bound to inspire mirth.

Parade of unbelievably sweety cuteness

Our girls are marching in a parade for their dance school today. They got little pink shirts to wear. Does anyone think it would be too much to run alongside the whole time while taking pictures and praising their grace and technique?? I guess that question will answer itself if I trip and get run over by a Shriner on a tiny motorcycle, stepped on by a tuba player, and drug briefly by an antique tractor. We will enjoy the parade either way and then need approximately one full day to recover from the cuteness overload.

Aske me about me... my favorite subject!

So today I (Ridge) interviewed for a job. It is a sort of entry level job in testing. Not animal testing (which is unfortunate because I have about 12 dogs that need to have lipstsick stuck in their noseholes and mascara rubbed on their gums sometimes) but human scholastic testing. The interview went well and I wasn't surprised by any questions. Anyway, hopefully it will turn out well and I will get the position. And if I do then let the good times roll!!! I will start to wear expensive velour track suits, buy ten dunkeys, name the rest of our children things like Dolllars, Gambler, and Golddust, and also put diamond sprinkles on my food. What could be more ballah than that?! So wish me luck!!

Do eggs want to come to the party in my tummy?!?

For those of you having a child soon or destined to have a child soon I have advice. We don't let our kids watch a lot of TV. If they do, they watch carefully selected programs that will not corrupt their gentle minds or reduce them to slobbering zombie children. One of these programs is Yo Gabba Gabba. It is a mixture of moral lessons, inventive games, visual candy, hip-hop laced musical scores, and general fun. A fellow named Mark (former lead singer of Devo) cameos with a quick art lesson (how to draw a potato bug, happy face, etc.). Elijah Wood and other celebrities also cameo occasionally, teaching dance moves like The Puppetmaster and The Jumping Jellyfish. The music is fun and infectuous in a good way. When you get a song stuck in your head that goes, "You gotta wait in line, you gotta wait in line.... Its only faaaiir to wait right theeeerrre.... No cuts, no buts, no coconuts..." and you don't really mind, you will know you have made a correct choice. Anyway, give it a try. If you don't like it, I will pay you one American Dollar.

Goats= really, really evil

Okay, I've already posted about the silly, hedonistically evil ways of Capra hircus. The other day, Jenny and our girls went to the local goat haven. While minding their own business, a goat made it clear that it was in distress. Jenny happened upon said goat doing it's best corpse imitation. She realized it was tangled in the wire fence and promptly loosened it's goofy horns. Dazed and probably starved/dehydrated, it wandered off. I am certain but there was probably some misguided agreed upon goat practical joke on humans. Another thing, when we feed the goats, the larger ones run the little ones off before they get their share. Come on now, I say, "I don't care how much bigger you are than another goat because you're still a goat"!! I am not a beleiver in any type of stratified goat hierarchy. They should just sit around and comiserate about their ascribed status as the world's silliest animal. Just look at this picture!! I mean, come on!!!

Geaux (get your fanny smoked in Gainesville) Tigers!!

This game made me nervous. I compare it to a good, solid family reunion. In the beginning, you aren't sure what to expect. After things commence, if things go well, the jitters subside. Inevitably, people make spectacles of themselves, clashes occur, mistakes are made; but then, eventually everyone settles in and enjoys themsleves. The results: Family Reunion- no one is murdered or bludgeoned with a folding chair... LSU at Florida- Gators smash the Tigers 51-21!!!

You then realize there was nothing to worry about in the first place.

K.I.D.W.O.F.O.B.

Kids in denial when ousted from our bed... So our kids are 4, 3, and 2. Those of you whom follow our blog with any regularity (all 4 of you) know that. So, we missed the bus on the whole keep your kids in their crib from the beginning, lose sleep in the first year but sleep better in the future thing, you know, logic. Admittedly, it was much easier for Jenny when she was nursing, thus I have no regrets. When you awake with the feeling that you slept in an iron maiden after being in a street brawl while going over Niagra Falls in a hamster ball, you start to reconsider. Around 10 or 11 o'clock, one or both of our oldest girls creeps into our bed. At this point, there isn't much of a way to get them back to their bed without an elaborate strap and latch system and much lost sleep. I'm considering some type of James Bond inspired spring powered catapult ejector mechanism that will launch them back into their bed, afterwhich a soundproofed cage snaps shut around them. I really think that these drawings are ready for the Patent Office!! Its probably illegal everywhere except Colorado City but what the Man doesn't know won't hurt the Man.

Patriotic duty

Jenny and I voted yesterday. The early voting process was very easy and I highly recommend it. I don't know about Jenny, but I cast write ins for President and Vice-president. I've been thinking, this country doesn't need sober persons at the helm... We don't need direction and sound rhetoric to guide us... We don't need a 700 Billion dollar bailout, this country needs a 700 Billion dollar Inauguration. I thought to myself, "Which candidate displays the best policy and self-posession; scratch that, which candidate displays the best showmanship?!? Sadly, neither could pull off rising to the stage through the center of a grand piano or be lowered from the rafters on a giant trapeze or sing with their hair on fire. So I wrote in Michael Jackson for President and David Lee Roth as Vice-president. I figure, what could show the world the unbridled awesomeness of the USA better than a kick-fanny, pyrotechnic spectacle? Sure, mandatory sleepovers at the White House and a Ferris Wheel on the Lawn might send the wrong message, but "I wish they all could be California Girls" could make a great National Anthem. Think about it...

Left of Center

I saw this picture and thought it was pretty funny... There is such a thing as gamesmanship. I am not sure if this qualifies as good or bad but it certainly is creative. Maybe he also has banana peels in his back pocket as well as a whoopy cushion used to draw the other team offsides. This person's actions inspire a certain mantra; if you can't beat your opponent, at least make people laugh. I am getting not so pleasant pictures in my nugget (that ones for you Matty) of Phil Fulmer, a room full of offensive linemen, a chalkboard with knock-knock jokes, cream pies, floppy shoes, and obnoxiously fuzzy orange clown wigs.

Words that make me smile...

My favorite word is lull. Why you might ask? The word lull has four letters, three of which are l. That is pretty neat. I also like the words macrocephalic and "daddy", especially when uttered by my children. If they called me macrocephalic daddy I would grin constantly. I say the word "well" in almost every sentence. As in, "Well, I guess cucumbers taste better pickled". Or, "Well, iron pyrite is fool's gold". I realized this when my oldest daughter started to use it in her speech.

Okay...... Let me collect my thoughts so this post does not end up smelling like the mythical Vomitorium of Personal Political Rhetoric (read: Media at Large). I have MAJOR issues with the latest hate spewed forth by feminist "progressives" regarding Sarah Palin. I do not pretend that I agree with all points of her policy. I do believe, however, that she would make a good executive for our government. The fact that feminist "progressives" lambaste Palin for her "supermom image" is sickening. It simply illustrates the cup half empty mentality of formerly relevant organizations. Their relevance diminished when they began to hate women as much as men. The most unfortunate part is the fact that they only hurt the causes they claim to promote and cannot understand that people are soured by hurtful rhetoric. I will preface the following comments by saying this: I am an anthropologist. I have immense respect for people, their cultures, and their opinions. I liken the current feminist backlash to the attitude held by some African-Americans, the general population as well as academics, regarding Condelleza Rice and Colin Powell. After fighting and accomplishing and ascending to the top of their respective fields, they are rejected and marginalized by a culture in need of proper role models. I would not offer this opinion if I had not heard these very words with my own ears. A recent Howard graduate told me that "black people think Condeleeza Rice is George Bush's girlfriend". If Barack Obama is elected, he will ultimately not do enough for African-Americans and will likely suffer the same fate. So please people, lets all vote with our heads and examine all positions and not fall victim to the loudest voices in an endless crowd!! I respect all positions and opinions and hope that anyone that reads this post does not doubt me. These comments are simply my opinion regarding our political climate.

Middle School: Asylum for the Educationally Insane

I am substituting at Middle School today. For those that care, I have been subbing in the pursuit of classroom experience. I have made many observations regarding children and our educational system, however none have been as true or poignant as this: Middle School kids are singly responsible for deforestation. Forget the propagandized myths of logging and pollution, when you have watched a child tear out twenty pages of paper simply to ball them up and practice their fadeaway jumper into the trash bin you realize certain things.

1. Kids are often bored in school

2. Middle Schoolers major in annoying other people, adult or otherwise;

eventually they begin to annoy themselves and turn inward (ages 12-14)

3. It is possible that they are simply practicing for the big basketball

games in their future (read with a sarcastic tone)

4. It takes a special person to choose to teach middle school. Kids are even more

insane than I remember and I don't think I am special enough...

5. The Middle School I am at today has caused the massacre of some thirty thousand

trees, and it is only lunchtime!

Recyclers unite!!! Forge ahead to your local middle school! Practice your shotblocking!!

Or just get used to the sound of crinkling paper and the massive piles of paper balls

clotting our roadways in the near future. Does Micheline make an all-terrain paper tire??

The Hills, the Lindgrens; we like them alot

I will be the last person to blog about our trip to Atlanta. Wendy has posted as have Cheyney and Ryan. I would claim to have been gathering my thoughts but the truth is mundane; laziness. This might also be the lamest post, as I cannot find the USB cord for my camera, upon which are the pictures chronicling our journey. Anyway, we began the weekend by driving to stay with the Hill Family. First of all, Wendy and Justin invited us to stay after only meeting us once. I could have been that guy who bought Ted Bundy's VW at auction for all they knew! Luckily, I am not obsessed with serial killers or their kill machine cars, yet Tim Tebow's moped would send me checking my ATM balance. Seriously, Wendy and Justin are the kind of people you just want to be around. The level of commitment they have for their family and friends is a paradigm for the rest of us. So, we got up early and headed into ATL, parallel with Marta and Hartsfield, and past Turner Field and the SO SO Def sign. In downtown, we parked and arrived at the aquarium. We were wand searched for metal objects and fishing poles. I must say, after the frisking, the wonderment commenced. I hope that my children were as taken with the manta ray, whale sharks, hammerheads, grouper, etc., etc. as I was. The touch pool was a massive hit and Purel stock soared. Later, we viewed beluga whales, penguins, sea lions, and 3 dollar coca-colas at the snack shop. After returning and feasting upon bbq, we went to a park and the kids leapt and frollicked in a fountain. I liken the fountain to a geyser of elation and emotional vomit, spewed forth as the insanely cute scene developed. Kids are awesome and teach us many things that are valuable about life. Thanks again to the Hills and the Lindgrens. You guys rock and make us feel as though our character judgment is flawless.

Rattle snake mania!!

Jenny and I did an arguably sick thing on Saturday on our way back from Atlanta... We picked up roadkill. I will explain fully but I also feel the urge to vomit my thoughts out in Haiku...

Roadkill salvage crew
The woodland scourge awaited
But you guys blew it

The road invited
You can't thermoregulate
Sad, warmth equaled death

I checked for life with
My umbrella of safety
Strike me with beauty

Canebreak or timber
You were once two subspecies
Now, you're in a jar

So, yes, we saw a large snake on the side of the road. After a quick u turn, I poked it with an umbrella for 5 minutes. After being satisfied that it was indeed deceased, I picked it up and threw it into our cooler. At home, we froze the wonderful specimen and then loaded it into a jar filled with preservative. Jenny wants to put it on her desk at work. May she be known as the Snake Lady.
Two questions, is it more strange to pick up a four foot long Canebreak rattlesnake off of Highway 27, freeze it, and then stick it into a jar from K-Mart, which is destined for your wife's desk? Or to feel it necessary to relate stories in the form of ancient Japanese Haiku?? Doubtless I will be pigeonholed as a roadkill scraping, 6th Grade level haiku writing foolish person, but hey, bite me.

Slap Bet explanation

I realize that I should explain "Slap Bet". It is too funny to leave ambiguous. The following is officially from Episode Nine of "How I Met Your Mother":

THE BILL OF SLAPS
1. A slap bet is created when two parties involved in a disagreement, argument, or difference of opinion mutually agree that whichever party is proven right (or winning party) gets to slap whichever party is proven wrong (or losing party) across the face as hard as they possibly can.
2. In all Slap Bets, a Slap Bet Commissioner must be appointed. In the event of a discrepancy, the Slap Bet Commissioner makes the final ruling. The Slap Bet Commissioner must be someone fair and unbiased, someone kind hearted but not afraid to rule with an iron wrist.
3. When issuing a slap, the slapper must avoid lips and noses at all costs. The goal is for the palm of the slapper's hand to connect with the meaty part of the slappee's cheek thus providing utmost enjoyment and pain. If you're seeing handprint on cheek, you're doing something right. In the event of a bloody nose, the Slap Bet Commissioner shall award the slappee three slaps to be used in succession. Suggestion: The Dead Man's slap (rule 8.)
4. When issuing a slap, the slapper must not wear any rings, gloves, or other finger/hand ornaments to protect the safety of the slappee.
5. When issuing a slap, the slapper must keep one foot on the ground at all times to protect the safety of the slappee.
6. In the event of Premature Slapulation, (when the slapper slaps the slappee as hard as he or she possibly can and then afterwards, finds out that the slap was not warranted), the slappee gets to slap the slapper at least three times.
7. The Blind Man Slap: If the Slap Bet Commissioner deems the slappee particularly deserving, the Slap Bet Commissioner can issue The Blind Man Slap in which the slappee must close their eyes while being slapped.
8. The Dead Man Slap: Backhanded slaps are permitted only if used in succession. For example, if the Slap Bet Commissioner awards the slapper multiple slaps, the slapper can use a backhand if and only if it's preceded by a forehand. This is commonly referred to as The Dead Man Slap and is the only existing slap that allows the slapper to connect with both sides of the slappee's face thereby earning maximum slappage.
9. When the slappee gets slapped, he/she must accept the fact that they've just got slapped. Any retaliation against the slapper, by the slappee, will result in no less than ten slaps (with a set number to be delivered by the Slap Bet Commissioner.)
10. The most important rule: Enjoy! Few things in this world match the sheer joy one receives from slapping a friend right across the face. Especially after being proven right. So slap away!

Oh yes, I hope one day to goad Matt into Slap Bet. Not that I want to slap him but it would be an exhilirating experience I think, whether to be the slapper or slappee.

Football season??!?!

So, I have to say, I haven't mentioned my allegiance to any particular college team yet. But I am proud to say that I am a Gator fan. My wife went to the University of Florida for her last graduate degree. We love Gainesville and swiftly became part of the Gator Nation. It doesn't hurt that my cousin, Scott, is a graphic designer at UF and is responsible for the "F Book", which is the incoming freshman bible. Also, my other cousin, Hollis, proudly works at the Natural History Museum on campus and produces some of their materials (educational and promotional). So there, we are huge Gators and it makes me happy that our closest friends in the world are disturbed by it. Mitzi is a dawg as well as Matt. Cheyney is also somewhat of a dawg fan too. I have tried to institute the "Slap Bet" with Matt over the annual Florida/Georgia game but he has been too weak to accept. So the following are excellent reasons to love the Gators:

1. Tim Tebow... he is an idol among men, a great example for anyone smart enough to pay attention, and oh yeah, a stud quarterback. He is somewhere near 2 or 3 on my Heterosexual Mancrush List (out of season that is).

2. Temporary blindness caused by home field uniforms...Orange and Blue are pretty obnoxious together.

3. Steve Spurrier has not coached there for 6 years... Self explanatory, The Ol' Ball Coach is morally questionable.

4. Temporary deafness caused by the undisputed awesomeness (sorry Christy) of The Swamp on game day.

5. Permanent tastelessness caused by unashamed wearing Gator praphernalia any time of year.

6. And finally, four National Titles in 10 years (basketball and football combined) and the Heisman Trophy last year!!

I'm hoping for a videogame blowout with UF winning by 10 or 11 touchdowns over Hawaii on Saturday. Especially after June Jones came out and criticized Tim Tebow last year during his run to the Heisman. How classless do you have to be to come out against a 19 year old kid who was pounded in the SEC all year yet put up amazing stats because you think your pocket passing, target practice, weak conference quarterback deserves it more. Coaches should never campaign for their players, leave that to the Athletic Dept.

GO GATORS!!!! BEAT THE WARRIORS!!!

Kid questions...

I got the idea for this blog from Wendy, Ryans sister. After reading her blog about her son's questions, I remembered some of the awesome (sorry Christy) things that our oldest child, Shelby, is asking now.

Shelby: Daddy, do dogs and cats have belly buttons?

Me: Yes baby, I'll show you.

Luckily, our portly, grumpy husky dog Jasmine has a larger than normal dog belly button. After much growling and forced obedience, Jasmine let us inspect her belly button.

Shelby: Daddy, where does God live?

Me: ................... I have no idea how to explain that to you honey.

When Shelby asks me existential questions, I find it best to be honest.

I am enjoying these questions very much, especially considering how many I will have to answer by saying, "Ask your Mommy" in the future. Hopefully, when we go to the Georgia Aquarium this weekend, the questions will abound and be boundless. Just for general information, Shelby's favorite animal is the skate; the sanitizing gel dispensers will be hit hard at the touch pools. Coby-James' favorite animals are all varieties of turtles. If she sees one, she exclaims, "MY TURTLE!!!!". All I can say is Wow. Bay has no favorite animal yet but maybe soon she will.

Bittersweet international weekend...

Let me tell you... we went to St Marys this weekend. We lived in St Marys for four years, during which time we had two of our three children, we bought and renovated a great first house, and my wife gained much valuable experience in her field. We also made some good, lasting friendships. For two of these reasons we returned this weekend. Our house is for sale and we had to be sure that Fay did not raze our former residence; total destruction cannot be good for property value. Everything was okay and a little teamwork cleared away the debris. We were lucky enough to stay with old friends, Tony and Lena (Braithwaite) Bell. Tony is from Jamaica, and is very shrewd, intelligent, and fatherly. Lena is the daughter of a famous Barbadian politician and a wonderful mother. Lena is very caring and just wanted to assure our comfort. To be in their house is to smell, see, and hear the Jamaican and Barbadian cultures. We had a great time talking and being cared for by the Bells. We also spent time with the Thompson/Tuazon/Pruitt family. This group is made up of Mitzi, a medical student, her fiance Jason, an aspiring sergeant with the federal reserve in Jacksonville, Gary her dad, who is a contractor, and her Mom, Mercy, a civil engineer. Mitzi Tuazon made my wife's life at her former school infinitely more tolerable than otherwise. They became great friends and Mitzi is currently making us proud while attending medical school! During our time with Mitzi and her family, we talked, ate wonderful Phillipino cuisine (Mitzi and her Mom are from the Phillipines), flew a parrot shaped kite named Polly, listened to Gary's Z06 Corvette as he drove it 10 feet backwards and then 10 feet forwards (the water was too deep to go for a proper drive), and watched video that Gary took of fifty Leatherback sea turtles laying their eggs on a beach on the island of Tobago... it goes without saying that even the video alone was breathtaking; it can be compared to meeting a favorite celebrity for Jenny and me. So after much visiting and general merriment, we regrettably had to leave. But wait, on the horizon lurks a weekend trip to Atlanta to see Ryan and Cheyney. Simply the prospect of seeing these two wonderful people is enough to send us to the ends of the Earth. During this trip we will visit the Aquarium in Atlanta. This promises to be yet another experience that will render us speechless as the red carpet of sea life is rolled out before us. I wonder how arrested you can get for jumping into the whale shark tank??? I would stride proudly from the building, soaking wet with plastic handcuffs on but with the permanent title of "that idiot that jumped into the whale shark tank" to keep for my own. Stay tuned for the full report (to this blog and network news). So the moral of this blog is the following: we have at least been smart enough to forge friendships with all of the people listed above. They are the kind of people that give one the assurance that life is good and that you are a fine enough person to be associated with them.

Michael Phelps... pfffffttt!!

Michael Phelps isn't so hot... I will have anyone know that I rode the Gravitron nine times in a row in ONE NIGHT! A carnie named The Lost Boy can vouch for me. As he stood horizontally on the wall, our eyes met and he gave me the universal sign of respect; the chin jut/knowing smile with a head knod. Thats right, imagine it in your best remembered Edward R. Rooney voice: Niiiine times...

Another favorite show of ours...

If you are not watching Psyche, do yourselves a favor and tune in Friday nights after Monk. It is one of only two shows that can inspire out loud, watery eyed laughter from the both of us!! Last nights episode is a perfect example. Seriously, the show is awesome (forgive me Christy). Anyone who fancies goofy, but not toilet, humor delivered in a dry manner along with well derived dialog will dig this show. It isn't really about the 70's, but last night had some great 70's references and imagery. If you don't like it, I will pay you one American dollar.

Albany, Georgia... a haiku experience

Here is our trip to Albany, retold in Haiku form:

Albany Georgia
It's bricks, like bones, are crumbling
Paula won't go back

Play means love for kids
Chehaw's giant wood pirate ship,
Don't splinter their hands

Albany's fish bowl
Beneath water, young minds breathe
Aquariums rock!!

Johnny Carino's,
Your bread appeases children
Woo us with pasta

Albany, Georgia
It's buildings desire windows
She can't see without

If you hate haiku,
Cannot stand my imagery
Kiss my grits sugar

Beach Madness

We took our girls to St. George Island, Fl. this weekend. We needed a getaway like the Democratic Party needs an electable candidate. Seriously, we felt the need for ocean breezes and sand in our unmentionable spots for weeks. It rained for the first few hours and then we hit the beach and the pool at our hotel. There was certainly a raging redneck wedding party present with the requisite cigarette stained, alcohol fueled display of inappropriate clothing. Seven words come to mind: "Like a can of biscuits busted open". Anyway, the pool and beach were great. The girls picked up every shell on the Gulf Coast and made a few lil' friends. On Saturday, it rained so we went to PC Beach and attended a little slice of 100 gallons of sea life in a 10 gallon tank at Gulf World. The animals were great and it was a great diversion. I so wish I could find a picture of the guy on the Extreme Dive Team whom had obviously enjoyed too much PC fun and outgrown his Speedo. On Sunday, we enjoyed the pool and beach again and happily headed home after changing in the parking lot of the hotel and drying off with extra clothes (check out was at 11, we left at 1). Its a good thing we didn't fly our else we would have had to check approximately 50 pounds of sea shells!!

School Supplies

There are some things that occur that remind you that you were meant to parent; I love to shop for school supplies!! My years as a child were filled with Trapper Keepers, fandangled mechanical pencils, Toughskin Jeans, and Bully Repellent (I think it is made from the essence of video game programmers and mental hospital counselors ((just kidding Ryan!!!)). Anyway, my wife and I took the girls to that shrine of Chinese Capitalism/modern day slave labor, Wal-Mart. The smell of round tipped scissors and glue sticks is intoxicating to a parent whose oldest kids are about to start at the same school. The deluge of creatively drawn yet insanely adorable art projects will cover a thousand fridges. There are no more Trapper Keepers, even fewer pairs of Toughskins (by the grace of God!!) yet the fear of Nerd Hades (it's a real place with Deke from Saved By the Bell as Satan!) is gone. Certainly, Tom Hanks said it best in You've Got Mail: "Don't you love New York in the Fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would buy you a bouquet of sharpened pencils..."

The Tour de France

So, the Tour started last week. I am going to blog my thoughts out whether I am the only person I know that cares or not. Issue 1: Should the organizers of the Tour (ASO) have allowed the Astana Team to compete? Perhaps; I think that French Nationalism won out along with the covetous, overbearing attitude the French have towards their Grand Boucle (which no Frenchman has won since The Badger, Bernard Hinault, in 1985). Issue 2: What bearing does Manuel Beltran's positive test for EPO have on the Tour? Only good news for the American Squads. Both Columbia and Garmin-Chipotle have conducted their own testing controls in addition to the standards set forth by the Governing bodies of cycling since their respective inceptions. The fact that riders from their squads inhabit four of the top ten positions shows that clean teams can overcome the dirty riders. Manuel Beltran was placed 37th, almost 3 minutes behind when he was kicked out of the Tour, obviously no threat for overall GC victory, so why cheat anyway? And, oh yes Ryan, I am watching everyday.

Word Up! Up Up!!

After reading Cheyney's latest post, I'm all a twitter with 80's nostalgia. Does Cameo ring any bells? Anyway, word for the day:
weltanschauung • \VELT-ahn-show-ung ("ow" as in "cow")\ • noun, often capitalized

: a comprehensive conception or apprehension of the world especially from a specific standpoint

Given his history of questionable race conduct, Stefan Schumacher displayed his obtuse weltanschauung when he implicated Kim Kirchen as the reason for his crash today in Stage 6 of the Tour de France.

Fireworks psyche-out

They almost got us! Our town, what a bunch of chuckleheads! Tonight Jenny and the Girls and I went to see the fireworks display in our little town. We went to the ballfields, where we thought the vantage point would be good, and eventual escape would be swift and relatively unimpeded. We arrived at 8:30, the advertised time for commencement of firework action. 9 came and went, 9:30 slid past, finally, at 9:50, we packed up and drove for home. Then, almost from a bad July the 4th movie script, the aerial display began, reflected in our rear-view mirror. That was okay; we pulled into a creepy looking, deserted parking lot, locked the doors and watched through the windows. The Girls had enough after about 15 minutes and we came home. Our babes were super tolerant. We got psyched out like 5th Grade yo!

Word of the day

The word of the day is:
foursquare • \FOR-SKWAIR\ • adjective
1 : square
*2 : marked by boldness and conviction : forthright
Stuart O'Grady shows his metal with quick recovery from injury and his foursquare style of attack.

Poor UGA VI

In all seriousness, condolences go out to the Dawg Nation today regarding the loss of UGA VI. I am sure that they have UGA VII waiting in the wings to become the next "only mascot to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated". Now, I am a Florida Gator fan, so anyone can understand the grace and sincerity I had to conjure to write this (Matt, I'm talking to you, buddy). Had he been eaten by an alligator I might consider his passing as an omen for this season, but fortunately he was spared from the jaws of the mighty reptile... until the last weekend in October, that is. GO GATORS!!!!!!

Word for the day

And, oh yeah! Here is a word for the day:
fatuous

Pronunciation:

\ˈfa-chü-əs, -tyü-\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin fatuus foolish

Date: 1633

: complacently or inanely foolish : silly fatuous remark

Used in a sentence: Tom Boonen proved himself a fatuous young man after

testing positive for cocaine use, which led to his exclusion from the Tour de France.

Doc Brown, Schmrock Schmrown

Is time travel possible? Have you ever thought, "I would like to kick____ in the flux capacitors, and then go back in time and not do it"? Here I offer my thoughts... Time travel a possibility?? How can a Temporal Sojourn be likely when time seems to be a construct of human thought in the first place? Do my thoughts have basis in reality or is this blog simply an excuse to reference Back to the Future? You be the judge...

Ichthyosapiens

Our oldest child can swim. I don't mean float and bob and survive, but swim. Once she decides she can do something, she goes for it and does it right. Her sister is doing her best and will soon be able to swim without floaties as well but until then, she is happiest not listening and doing as she pleases (can't wait for puberty). Anyway, we are proud of our girls and their accomplishments.

Words, words, I love words

I'll begin this post by revealing my favorite word: lull. I have no specific reason save that this word consists of four letters, three of which are L. I would like to put forth a new word for vocabulary, picked at random, as much as possible. For this post, the word is grandiloquent.
Grandiloquent: Pronunciation\gran-ˈdi-lə-kwən(t)s\ Function:noun
Etymology: probably from Middle French, from Latin grandiloquus using lofty language, from grandis + loqui to speak
Date: 1589

: a lofty, extravagantly colorful, pompous, or bombastic style, manner, or quality especially in language

Mysterious Affliction

This morning I awoke stiff and achy as if I had been beaten. Was I in a sleepwalking street fight? Am I a nuftegenarian (I have no clue if that is a real word but it sure sounds like a Mighty Wind way to say ninety year old)? Did I have one of those vivid dreams about falling out of the ugly tree and hitting every branch on the way down? No... none of these explanations proved true. Our bed is not wrought of iron and we don't fistfight if things aren't right (is that a George Jones song?). So what is the source of my pain? Oh, yeah, I'm waking up with a 3 year old steamroller next to me. I love my girls. I love them beyond description. I love the way they climb into bed in the middle of the night whining, "Daaaaaady" or "Mooooommy". I'm not so thrilled with being pummeled by someone whose sleeping ambition is to smother me. One day our bed will be devoid of children. That day will signal that they are growing up or that we're not wimps. Until then, Jenny and I will enjoy snuggling with each other when we can(-;

Goats= Evil

Today I saw something that helped me draw a conclusion about goats; I saw a goat urinate into it's own mouth. It took aim, and then with intent, did the deed. I realize that this is slightly distasteful but when you draw such a conclusion, it seems important until you print it and then you realize what a strange person you are. Nevertheless, goats are horribly hedonistic, silly animals. Take this picture for example. Is this really necessary?! Did the goat I saw today really need a drink that badly?? I think not. Draw your own conclusion, hopefully not about me but about goats.

Against all odds

Sometimes you realize how much your significant other really loves you without them saying it or making a big deal about it. Like the time I took her to a quarry hole in Florida to ride bikes without having ridden there myself first. We got lost in about 10 square acres, and finally made it back to the car only after being cursed. I deserved it. This was before we married and she still went through with it. Then yesterday, we went for a ride together in a much more controlled and idiot proof environment. Though she faced the unknown (and a very sore rear) she loves me, we had a great time, and I came away without tire marks on my face. And yes, in case you're wondering, Jenny is 100 times more attractive than Sean Young and I am more attractive than Jeff Bridges... or at least more attractive than Beau Bridges... Okay, I'm better looking than the Big Lebowski.

TV shows we love

There are many things that we love. Our family and each other goes without saying. No one wants to hear about that though, its too mushy and I might start to baby-talk. No, these are things of trivial report. We don't watch very much TV but the things that we do watch range from mildly entertaining to sacred. Both of us are entranced by the social spectacle that is competition reality. American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Nashville Star, The Ultimate Fighter, Dirty Jobs, etc... I would love to say that we watch these shows to laugh, but that wouldn't be entirely true. Someone should write a show where they sing while punching and kicking each other in the face, after which they form partnerships and dance, followed by criticism from people who don't know what they're talking about and are covered with pig feces. SWEET! Fingers crossed!! We are also huge Quantum Leap fans, and Jenny loves The Golden Girls with a passion. Our favorite current show is How I Met Your Mother. All of the characters are funny but Barney, played by Doogie Houser or Neil Patrick Harris whatever, makes the show legen, wait for it.................dary.

Two halves

My wife teaches Physical Sciences. You can ask her anything about anything and she will tell you the answer and more. Its beautiful, the empirical nature of the physical sciences makes you responsible for what you say. She did her graduate projects on marine mammals. My education focus is Social Science. My graduate project focus is a collection of artifacts from a rice plantation in South Carolina. You can ask me anything and I will tell you a possible answer based upon the flexibility of Social Science. Its beautiful, no one can really say that you are wrong!! The dichotomy of our backgrounds is awesome and if I had her knowledge, I would make a heck of a well rounded scholar. I'm proud of her past the prospect of description.

Bikenerd recant

I must recant my support for Robbie McEwen... After hearing that he cursed Switzerland and is considered an unpopular man amongst the other riders in the peloton, I cannot throw my lot in with him any longer. I asked him not to wear his "Ridge is my man crush" shirt again. I have been a fan of the Slipstream-Chipotle team (now Garmin-Chipotle) since their inception. I certainly feel comfortable supporting this team given their clean policy and American core of riders. So go Garmin-Chipotle in Le Grand Boucle! Plus, they are brave enough to wear orange and blue argyle in public life.

Park Therapy

It's amazing how stressed one can be about adult things, house, money, etc. Sometimes you just have to jump in the car with some sandwiches and head to the best park in town that hasn't been razed or vandalized with pseudo-prosaic phrases such as "Bubba was here" and "Slappy is the MAN!!". Watching your kids and playing with them on their level is the closest some of us mortals will get to enlightenment. Stroking the ears of a barnyard animal and feeding it ambrosia (potatoes) is good for what ails you. Picking up litter helps as well.

Bikenerd

I have to comment on the recent success of my favorite athlete. Yes, my name is Ridge and I am a bike nerd... Robbie McEwen one todays and yesterdays stages of the Tour de Suisse. I am happy he is showing his legs and not his age. I'm also pleased with his choice of sportswear. Classy!

Christen this blog ya'll!!

Offer your judgments if you must. We are woefully behind technology. A timeline of lameness: first cell phones? 2004; texting? NEVER! First blogspot? Well, we're branching out in the year ought-8 and exploring the new world. Our friends Cheyney and Ryan exposed us to this forum so thank them or send them searing hate blog!