Slap Bet explanation

I realize that I should explain "Slap Bet". It is too funny to leave ambiguous. The following is officially from Episode Nine of "How I Met Your Mother":

THE BILL OF SLAPS
1. A slap bet is created when two parties involved in a disagreement, argument, or difference of opinion mutually agree that whichever party is proven right (or winning party) gets to slap whichever party is proven wrong (or losing party) across the face as hard as they possibly can.
2. In all Slap Bets, a Slap Bet Commissioner must be appointed. In the event of a discrepancy, the Slap Bet Commissioner makes the final ruling. The Slap Bet Commissioner must be someone fair and unbiased, someone kind hearted but not afraid to rule with an iron wrist.
3. When issuing a slap, the slapper must avoid lips and noses at all costs. The goal is for the palm of the slapper's hand to connect with the meaty part of the slappee's cheek thus providing utmost enjoyment and pain. If you're seeing handprint on cheek, you're doing something right. In the event of a bloody nose, the Slap Bet Commissioner shall award the slappee three slaps to be used in succession. Suggestion: The Dead Man's slap (rule 8.)
4. When issuing a slap, the slapper must not wear any rings, gloves, or other finger/hand ornaments to protect the safety of the slappee.
5. When issuing a slap, the slapper must keep one foot on the ground at all times to protect the safety of the slappee.
6. In the event of Premature Slapulation, (when the slapper slaps the slappee as hard as he or she possibly can and then afterwards, finds out that the slap was not warranted), the slappee gets to slap the slapper at least three times.
7. The Blind Man Slap: If the Slap Bet Commissioner deems the slappee particularly deserving, the Slap Bet Commissioner can issue The Blind Man Slap in which the slappee must close their eyes while being slapped.
8. The Dead Man Slap: Backhanded slaps are permitted only if used in succession. For example, if the Slap Bet Commissioner awards the slapper multiple slaps, the slapper can use a backhand if and only if it's preceded by a forehand. This is commonly referred to as The Dead Man Slap and is the only existing slap that allows the slapper to connect with both sides of the slappee's face thereby earning maximum slappage.
9. When the slappee gets slapped, he/she must accept the fact that they've just got slapped. Any retaliation against the slapper, by the slappee, will result in no less than ten slaps (with a set number to be delivered by the Slap Bet Commissioner.)
10. The most important rule: Enjoy! Few things in this world match the sheer joy one receives from slapping a friend right across the face. Especially after being proven right. So slap away!

Oh yes, I hope one day to goad Matt into Slap Bet. Not that I want to slap him but it would be an exhilirating experience I think, whether to be the slapper or slappee.

Football season??!?!

So, I have to say, I haven't mentioned my allegiance to any particular college team yet. But I am proud to say that I am a Gator fan. My wife went to the University of Florida for her last graduate degree. We love Gainesville and swiftly became part of the Gator Nation. It doesn't hurt that my cousin, Scott, is a graphic designer at UF and is responsible for the "F Book", which is the incoming freshman bible. Also, my other cousin, Hollis, proudly works at the Natural History Museum on campus and produces some of their materials (educational and promotional). So there, we are huge Gators and it makes me happy that our closest friends in the world are disturbed by it. Mitzi is a dawg as well as Matt. Cheyney is also somewhat of a dawg fan too. I have tried to institute the "Slap Bet" with Matt over the annual Florida/Georgia game but he has been too weak to accept. So the following are excellent reasons to love the Gators:

1. Tim Tebow... he is an idol among men, a great example for anyone smart enough to pay attention, and oh yeah, a stud quarterback. He is somewhere near 2 or 3 on my Heterosexual Mancrush List (out of season that is).

2. Temporary blindness caused by home field uniforms...Orange and Blue are pretty obnoxious together.

3. Steve Spurrier has not coached there for 6 years... Self explanatory, The Ol' Ball Coach is morally questionable.

4. Temporary deafness caused by the undisputed awesomeness (sorry Christy) of The Swamp on game day.

5. Permanent tastelessness caused by unashamed wearing Gator praphernalia any time of year.

6. And finally, four National Titles in 10 years (basketball and football combined) and the Heisman Trophy last year!!

I'm hoping for a videogame blowout with UF winning by 10 or 11 touchdowns over Hawaii on Saturday. Especially after June Jones came out and criticized Tim Tebow last year during his run to the Heisman. How classless do you have to be to come out against a 19 year old kid who was pounded in the SEC all year yet put up amazing stats because you think your pocket passing, target practice, weak conference quarterback deserves it more. Coaches should never campaign for their players, leave that to the Athletic Dept.

GO GATORS!!!! BEAT THE WARRIORS!!!

Kid questions...

I got the idea for this blog from Wendy, Ryans sister. After reading her blog about her son's questions, I remembered some of the awesome (sorry Christy) things that our oldest child, Shelby, is asking now.

Shelby: Daddy, do dogs and cats have belly buttons?

Me: Yes baby, I'll show you.

Luckily, our portly, grumpy husky dog Jasmine has a larger than normal dog belly button. After much growling and forced obedience, Jasmine let us inspect her belly button.

Shelby: Daddy, where does God live?

Me: ................... I have no idea how to explain that to you honey.

When Shelby asks me existential questions, I find it best to be honest.

I am enjoying these questions very much, especially considering how many I will have to answer by saying, "Ask your Mommy" in the future. Hopefully, when we go to the Georgia Aquarium this weekend, the questions will abound and be boundless. Just for general information, Shelby's favorite animal is the skate; the sanitizing gel dispensers will be hit hard at the touch pools. Coby-James' favorite animals are all varieties of turtles. If she sees one, she exclaims, "MY TURTLE!!!!". All I can say is Wow. Bay has no favorite animal yet but maybe soon she will.

Bittersweet international weekend...

Let me tell you... we went to St Marys this weekend. We lived in St Marys for four years, during which time we had two of our three children, we bought and renovated a great first house, and my wife gained much valuable experience in her field. We also made some good, lasting friendships. For two of these reasons we returned this weekend. Our house is for sale and we had to be sure that Fay did not raze our former residence; total destruction cannot be good for property value. Everything was okay and a little teamwork cleared away the debris. We were lucky enough to stay with old friends, Tony and Lena (Braithwaite) Bell. Tony is from Jamaica, and is very shrewd, intelligent, and fatherly. Lena is the daughter of a famous Barbadian politician and a wonderful mother. Lena is very caring and just wanted to assure our comfort. To be in their house is to smell, see, and hear the Jamaican and Barbadian cultures. We had a great time talking and being cared for by the Bells. We also spent time with the Thompson/Tuazon/Pruitt family. This group is made up of Mitzi, a medical student, her fiance Jason, an aspiring sergeant with the federal reserve in Jacksonville, Gary her dad, who is a contractor, and her Mom, Mercy, a civil engineer. Mitzi Tuazon made my wife's life at her former school infinitely more tolerable than otherwise. They became great friends and Mitzi is currently making us proud while attending medical school! During our time with Mitzi and her family, we talked, ate wonderful Phillipino cuisine (Mitzi and her Mom are from the Phillipines), flew a parrot shaped kite named Polly, listened to Gary's Z06 Corvette as he drove it 10 feet backwards and then 10 feet forwards (the water was too deep to go for a proper drive), and watched video that Gary took of fifty Leatherback sea turtles laying their eggs on a beach on the island of Tobago... it goes without saying that even the video alone was breathtaking; it can be compared to meeting a favorite celebrity for Jenny and me. So after much visiting and general merriment, we regrettably had to leave. But wait, on the horizon lurks a weekend trip to Atlanta to see Ryan and Cheyney. Simply the prospect of seeing these two wonderful people is enough to send us to the ends of the Earth. During this trip we will visit the Aquarium in Atlanta. This promises to be yet another experience that will render us speechless as the red carpet of sea life is rolled out before us. I wonder how arrested you can get for jumping into the whale shark tank??? I would stride proudly from the building, soaking wet with plastic handcuffs on but with the permanent title of "that idiot that jumped into the whale shark tank" to keep for my own. Stay tuned for the full report (to this blog and network news). So the moral of this blog is the following: we have at least been smart enough to forge friendships with all of the people listed above. They are the kind of people that give one the assurance that life is good and that you are a fine enough person to be associated with them.

Michael Phelps... pfffffttt!!

Michael Phelps isn't so hot... I will have anyone know that I rode the Gravitron nine times in a row in ONE NIGHT! A carnie named The Lost Boy can vouch for me. As he stood horizontally on the wall, our eyes met and he gave me the universal sign of respect; the chin jut/knowing smile with a head knod. Thats right, imagine it in your best remembered Edward R. Rooney voice: Niiiine times...

Another favorite show of ours...

If you are not watching Psyche, do yourselves a favor and tune in Friday nights after Monk. It is one of only two shows that can inspire out loud, watery eyed laughter from the both of us!! Last nights episode is a perfect example. Seriously, the show is awesome (forgive me Christy). Anyone who fancies goofy, but not toilet, humor delivered in a dry manner along with well derived dialog will dig this show. It isn't really about the 70's, but last night had some great 70's references and imagery. If you don't like it, I will pay you one American dollar.

Albany, Georgia... a haiku experience

Here is our trip to Albany, retold in Haiku form:

Albany Georgia
It's bricks, like bones, are crumbling
Paula won't go back

Play means love for kids
Chehaw's giant wood pirate ship,
Don't splinter their hands

Albany's fish bowl
Beneath water, young minds breathe
Aquariums rock!!

Johnny Carino's,
Your bread appeases children
Woo us with pasta

Albany, Georgia
It's buildings desire windows
She can't see without

If you hate haiku,
Cannot stand my imagery
Kiss my grits sugar

Beach Madness

We took our girls to St. George Island, Fl. this weekend. We needed a getaway like the Democratic Party needs an electable candidate. Seriously, we felt the need for ocean breezes and sand in our unmentionable spots for weeks. It rained for the first few hours and then we hit the beach and the pool at our hotel. There was certainly a raging redneck wedding party present with the requisite cigarette stained, alcohol fueled display of inappropriate clothing. Seven words come to mind: "Like a can of biscuits busted open". Anyway, the pool and beach were great. The girls picked up every shell on the Gulf Coast and made a few lil' friends. On Saturday, it rained so we went to PC Beach and attended a little slice of 100 gallons of sea life in a 10 gallon tank at Gulf World. The animals were great and it was a great diversion. I so wish I could find a picture of the guy on the Extreme Dive Team whom had obviously enjoyed too much PC fun and outgrown his Speedo. On Sunday, we enjoyed the pool and beach again and happily headed home after changing in the parking lot of the hotel and drying off with extra clothes (check out was at 11, we left at 1). Its a good thing we didn't fly our else we would have had to check approximately 50 pounds of sea shells!!